Boundaries vs. Rules: What’s the Difference?
The other day, a friend of mine asked me an interesting question: "What’s the difference between a boundary and a rule?"
Someone in his family had set what seemed like a rule for the rest of the family, insisting that it was their responsibility not to break it. This left him feeling confused - was this a boundary he was supposed to respect, or was it someone trying to control the behavior of others?
This confusion is common because the language of boundaries gets misused all the time. While both boundaries and rules shape interactions in relationships, they come from very different places and serve very different purposes.
Boundaries = Self-Responsibility
A boundary is something you set for yourself. It’s about what you will or won’t tolerate in a situation, and what action you will take to honor your own needs.
✅ A boundary sounds like:
“If you raise your voice at me, I will end the conversation.”
“I won’t lend money to friends or family.”
“I’m not available to talk about work after 8 PM.”
Boundaries aren’t about controlling what someone else does - they’re about how you will respond if a situation crosses your limits.
💡 Key distinction: A boundary is about self-responsibility. You hold your boundary by following through on your actions.
Rules = Controlling Others
A rule, on the other hand, is something you try to enforce on other people. It dictates how they must behave, often without considering their own autonomy or choice.
🚫 A rule sounds like:
“You’re not allowed to talk about politics at family dinner.”
“You can’t drink alcohol around me.”
“You have to call me every night, or I’ll be upset.”
Rules are about control, whereas boundaries are about self-care and personal limits. A rule tells someone else what they must do, while a boundary clarifies what you will do to take care of yourself.
💡 Key distinction: A rule tries to control other people’s actions, whereas a boundary controls your own choices and responses.
The Problem with Confusing Rules for Boundaries
Many people misuse the term “boundary” when they’re actually setting a rule. This happens in families, relationships, and friendships all the time.
For example, my friend’s family member had said: "I don’t want anyone talking about my breakup."
✅ If this were a boundary, it would sound like:
“If someone brings up my breakup, I will leave the conversation.”
“I won’t participate in discussions about my personal life.”
🚫 But in this case, they were setting a rule by were telling the family it was their job to manage conversations for them, instead of taking ownership of their own response.
This kind of misunderstanding creates resentment because it shifts responsibility onto others instead of empowering the person to uphold their own boundaries.
How to Tell If You’re Setting a Boundary or a Rule
If you’re unsure whether something is a boundary or a rule, ask yourself:
❓ Am I telling others what they can or can’t do? → That’s a rule.
❓ Am I deciding what I will or won’t do? → That’s a boundary.
Boundaries give you control over yourself. Rules try to control other people.
Boundaries Strengthen Relationships, Rules Strain Them
When we set healthy boundaries, we take responsibility for our own well-being, which actually makes relationships stronger. But when we set rules for others, we often create tension, because people naturally resist feeling controlled.
Instead of trying to police other people’s behavior, we can focus on what we need to feel safe, respected, and emotionally healthy and take responsibility for holding our own limits.